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Summer Performance Evaluation (of my children)

by Ian Sturgeon May 29, 2018

Summer Performance Evaluation (of my children)

Dear associates,

We realize we're only a few short days into our summer season, but your current performance has warranted an emergency evaluation. 

Please see the notes below and implement immediate changes based on the feedback provided.

Eli - Entry Level Associate

We realize you've only been with our organization for 2 years, but certain things have come to our attention that need immediate improvement.

Most importantly, violence will not be permitted. 

We've received reports of slapping, biting, and verbal abuse toward your fellow associates.  We absolutely must ask for the discontinuation of these actions.

There have also been reports of poor hygiene, and lewd behavior.  Please begin to relieve yourself in the designated areas (dinosaur potty), and refrain from removing your pants at random intervals during your shift.

Lastly, the poor treatment of our organization's mascot is not allowed.

Please avoid carrying our mascot (and all felines for that matter) by the neck, upside down, or around the abdomen.  Also refrain from feeding the mascot unreasonable amounts of food, or pouring the mascot's water dish all over your clothing prior to offsite events.

Emmett - Junior Associate

You've been with our organization for over 7 years now, so we're shocked and confused that that you've taken it upon yourself to change your shift without the approval of management. 

This will not be tolerated. 

Please take note of our new, later start time as our hours have changed.

Shifts for everyone in our organization will begin 1 hour later (not earlier) during the summer months.

This will allow you to perform your duties under proper supervision and avoid disciplinary action for things like...

  • Eating ice cream for breakfast
  • Watching T.V. without approval.
  • Inviting younger co-workers to join you for earlier and earlier shifts.

Ali - Assistant Manager

You've been warned repeatedly about your cell phone usage during restricted hours. 

We have noted your feedback concerning members of other organizations who are allowed unlimited cell phone use at the 14-year level. 

However, at this location unlimited use is reserved exclusively for associates who have completed at least 18 years of training with our branch and have transferred to another geographic area to start work on their own franchise.

It should also be noted that the following actions are not permitted...

  • Eye rolling
  • Extended breaks
  • Additions to vocabulary without the approval of supervisors.

Darrin - Senior Associate

You've learned a lot in your 16 years of service.  However, it should be noted that you do not know EVERYTHING. We're hoping to promote you to the position of branch manager within the next 2 years, but please understand that your training is FAR from complete.

In the next 48 months we'd love to see you completely remove the following actions from your daily shifts.

  • Driving in a way that induces gasps, flinching, and nervous sweat from your passengers.
  • Sighing when asked to perform basic tasks.
  • Disrespectful responses to supervisors.
  • Eating more than 5,000 calories per day out of boredom.

As our valued associates, we look forward to your immediate, and faithful compliance to the aforementioned issues.

Sincerely, 

Management

- - -

Managing your household while the kids are out of school can be a handful.  Click below to pick out some new Bolder Bands, and stay calm, cool, and collected no matter what this summer "vacation" throws at you.  :)

 

 

 

Ian Sturgeon
Ian Sturgeon


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