As the years go by, our relationships with our mothers change. The days of dress-up, and hide and go seek have likely been replaced by brunch, and trips to the mall together.
If you're longing for the simplicity, and closeness of your younger years, you might be interested in this easy to follow guide.
Here are 5 simple ways to celebrate Mother's Day like a toddler...
1. Make her "breakfast."
Sneak into her kitchen well before any human should be awake and make her "breakfast" by smashing a dozen eggs on the floor, and pouring a box of cheerios on top of it. Make sure you taste your creation, and put some in your hair. Also, be careful to drop a jug of orange juice on the floor hard enough that it cracks, and leaks everywhere.
2. Show her you still need her.
Providing your mother doesn't joyfully dive into the "breakfast" you made her, you'll no doubt be eating a meal with her later on in the day.
Ask her to feed you bites of food. When she tells you you're big enough to feed yourself, begin crying and progressively get louder. Continue to yell "FEED ME!...and "MORE!" while doing the sign language for "please" until she eventually relents.
Spit the food she feeds you out, then crawl under the table. If she tries to pull you out, go limp, and slide back onto the floor. If you're at a restaurant, find the dirtiest corner under the booth to bury your face in, and cry.
3. Get your snuggle on.
When the opportunity presents itself, climb in her lap, and refuse to get down. Also, do something weird like poke her in the eye, or play with her lips while she's trying to have a conversation with someone else.
Alternate between facing her, facing forward, and laying on your back while grabbing your feet. Do not sit still at any point. When she finally pushes you off her lap, cry and slap yourself in the head while jumping up and down.
Just before she bursts into tears and disowns you, find something to belly laugh about to reestablish her adoring gaze and regain access to her lap...then poop your pants.
4. Lend a helping hand.
When your mother receives her gift, "help" her unwrap it, and by "help," we mean unwrap it for her. Extra points if you climb on top of the dining room table to achieve this.
If she's receiving flowers, and there is no wrapping paper to help with, wait until everyone is distracted, tip the flowers over, and bring a couple fistfuls of crumpled petals to her.
When she tries to accept them from you, stay just out of reach. When she gets closer, say the word "no" over and over...louder and more frequently as she approaches you. If she pries her now destroyed flowers from your hands, cry giant crocodile tears until you turn blue.
5. Show her you'll miss her.
In the evening when your mother gets up to leave, it's time to show her how much you care.
Arch your back and reach for her while screaming a scream that is equal parts siren, broken glass, and ringwraith. Allow her to comfort you, and pretend you're distracted enough that she can leave without another melt-down. If she leaves again, repeat this process.
When she finally musters enough tough love to make her exit, collapse on the front porch and kick your hands and feet until she is out of view, then calmly play with a set of Duplo blocks.
So there you have it. Some great ways to remind your mother of the good ol' days.
On the other hand, If this doesn't seem like something that would be well received, you can always just show you care by buying her some Bolder Bands :)
We think she probably deserves something special for putting up with you through the temper tantrums of toddler-hood, the hyperactivity of early middle school, and the eye rolling selfishness of your teens.
If you're currently a mother in one of these stages, hang in there. We think you turned out great, and your kids will too.
You're doing important work.
Happy Mother's day!
Pro-tip: If you're not going to "help" your mom unwrap her gift as referenced above, you might want to pick up a little something for yourself as a way to resist this urge. Use code LipLove to get a free lip-gloss (just pick up shipping).
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